My good friend and Monster's pal died this afternoon. I got Buster from Shar about 12 years ago. He was here before Monster came. Buster was always more like a dog than a cat. He grew to love Monster and when Monster and I would take off for a weekend when we got home Buster would rub up against Monster to say hello and welcome him home. At night Monster starts off sleeping next to me, his head in my arm pits, and he eventually winds up at my feet, since Buster always slept next to my head. In the morning both would wake me and when I walked Monster, Buster would hunt in the fields. I suppose I should be greatful for the time I've had with him. He's been almost nabbed by the coyotes three times, escaping with a bite or two taken out of his hind quarters.

 

I've buried him in the back yard and put a rock over him. Tomorrow I'll go out and get a nice heavy planter to mark his grave and keep the coyotes from having the last word. Goodbye Buster old friend. Give Shar a hug for me...

 

 

One of the problems with American Society, as encouraged by the present Republican Administration, is the belief in the fallacy that there is just one game and just one set of rules to play the game. How juvenile! When will folks realize that each of us is playing many games, with many sets of rules? I need to quit judging others as if everyone was playing my game with my set of rules. I need to acknowledge that all of nature favors diversity, not uniformity. Species that can not change, can not learn to play new games, whither and die. Look around at everything in nature and you will see that nature celebrates, depends on, diversity. Without being able to acknowledge the usefulness of many games and many different rules, we close ourselves off to growth and change. Try something new today. Do something in a new way. Look at something from someone else's point of view.

 

Act crazy just a little bit...

With Joshua's birth, Jennalise's birth seems more real to me than it has been. I find myself thinking about her a lot. I'm also thinking a lot about her parents and the great adventure that is ahead for them. We can't ever know beforehand the child we are bringing into the world. They come here with their own personalities and although we can shape and guide them, to a large extent they bring their own "style" into the world with them. We hope and we pray for their well-being. We spend lots of time thinking about how to teach them and guide them so they will make the world a better place, or at least so they won't hurt the world they touch. Even with the great ability parents have to mold and teach children, Jennalise will come  into the world saddled with genes from both sets of grandparents. For better or worse, who I am is a part of who Jennalise will be. To some extent she will be a reflection of her parents, and grandparents, and a long line of ancestors, those who have gone before her.

 

So I was thinking about all of this driving to work yesterday, while at the same time listening to Brother Iz on the iPod. One of the things I love about his songs are their simplicity. The man took the complex world he found and through his singing made it simple and direct. Listening to his music I am reminded of how simple the world can be made, of how beautiful. The things that matter are really as simple as a bright sandy beach in Hawai'i. One of my favorite songs is Ka Pua U'i, from Brother Iz's "Facing Future" album. I usually think of it and translate it as a love song, but as I listened to it yesterday, I heard it differently. I heard it as a lullabuy sung by a grandpa to his granddaughter. Here's what I heard and translated:

 

I love you, my little one,

My momi lei, my flower.

You are the finest of flowers,

Cherished by your grandparents.

The only thoughts I have when I look at you

Are of your soft eyes, reflecting back to me my love.

You are forever in my heart,

A beautiful lei of your parents.

I tell the story of my dear child,

My beautiful lei, my precious lei.

How beautiful you are in our eyes,

A beautiful lei of the heavens.

 

Brother Iz sang it as a simple love song from a man to a woman (as I think Bina Mossman wrote it), but because it is such a simple song it can also be a lullaby, I think, to a child. Tana, who knows a lot more Hawai'ian than I do, will probably think I have done a terrible translation and it's true I might have "stretched" some of the word meanings. But for me, now, it will be a lullaby. There are a lot of love songs in the world and I don't think Brother Iz would mind much if I changed one of his into a lullaby. Besides, Grandma Liz will confirm that there is a grand tradition in folksongs of stealing lyrics and melodies for other songs. So I claim this song now as my lullaby for Jennalise. I hope she likes it!

Spent this afternoon with Jan's daughter, Julie, her husband Joshua, and the newborn baby little Joshua. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I've upload a picture album to this blog, but here's a preview of me practicing to be a grandpa! I was absolutely right that this would lift my funk! How wonderful to hold new life. ALthough only four days old, little Joshua was born 22 inches long. If kids feet are anything like puppies' paws, this kid's gonna fit into a size 13 shoe by the time he's 13! What a treat this afternoon was! Thanks Julie and Josh for having me over, and thanks to jan for taking me!

 

 

Well, it's been a terrible week so far. I'm really looking forward to a weekend without much to do. One meeting on Sunday, and then a chance to see Jan's new grandson, Joshua. That ought to at least begin next week on a brighter note.

 

There's really not much to point to about why the week has been so bad. One thing that was a trial is that Buster has been sick and I was afraid he might be close to death. He stopped eatting and drinking at the beginning of the week. Really acted like he was ready to die (he's getting quite old, now). But by this morning he even went outside for a little bit, and he began eatting again last night. I've been worried all week I might go home and find him dead. It's a relief that he seems to be coming back to life.

 

Classes are at the 15 week mark. Teachers and students are about ready to have the semester over. An 18 week semester is usually just too long, so it's that time of the semester. The warm weather this week really didn't help. My spring fever was as bad as my students. Who wants to be in a classroom when the weather outside is gorgeous? I try to make thiings in the class interesting, but sometimes nothing works, especially when half the class is skipping to enjoy the weather!

 

I think this weekend it's time for another hike in the mountains. Perhaps that will ease the funk!

Joshua Wayne was born this morning. He's 22 inches long and 9 pounds 11 ounces. What a great thing! It's just a short while before Jeannalise and he get to go whitewater rafting with Grandpa Joe! (Shhhh...don't tell Tana!)

First, the good news. Jan will be a grandmother today. Got a phone call at 6 am this morning saying that Julie had gone into laber last night and they expected Joshua to get here this morning. Still no word from her that it's official, but looking forward to a day filled with wonderful news of a new life and a new grandmother.

 

Chuck, a man I teach with, had his father die yesterday. His father was 95 years old and it is wonderful and sad to hear Chuck remember him. He was full of piss and vinegar right up until a week ago. From what Chuck says, he was an amazing man. When asked why he lived so long he said it was due to eating meat and drinking all his life. I think there are as many reasons given for living a long time, as there are those who survive life's rigor. More power to him!

 

The taxes are finally done and mailed off yesterday. When I was regional director at the AFSC my employees all agreed it was not a good idea to go into Joe's office when he was working on the budget. I freely admit I was a bitch at that time. I'm a mathematician who hates working with numbers. What most folks don't realize is that advanced mathematics is more logic than arithmetic. I'm your typical pure mathematician, as opposed to an applied mathematician. The reason I loved math was that it got me out of the real world. I got to work with Platonic ideals, rather than messy numbers in the real world. I could never understand in graduate school those who specialized in applied mathematics. The only real world math that made sense was statistics, because it was based on measure theory, which is an abstract mathematical theory about how we measure things. But arithmetic drives me crazy, as do budgets and taxes. There ought to be a law against your tax man retiring before you do. It took me hours just to figure out what he's done with my taxes for the past 30 years! Now I just hope I got it right.

 

Last night, after finishing everything up and mailing everything, I went to my favorite piano bar and kicked back. Music, like abstract mathematics, has charmes to sooth the savage breast...

 

 

My good friend, Margaretjean, reminds me that I left off some jobs in the blog comment a few days back listing my jobs (see comments on April 7th in my blog). She reminds me that I've also been a

 

Yellow Cab Taxi Driver (which explains how I drive. I still have the hat and badge!)

Family Therapist for psychotic children

Foster Care Social Worker supervising placements

 

And I helped to build a grain silo outside Taylorsville, Illinois.

 

Good God she remembers way back when I was in my 20's! That's the trouble with long-term relationships. They remember when you were another person almost! Am I still that kid who built a grain silo in the midwest? Based on my list of jobs you can see I've been at least 5 different people, and Margaretjean has lived through most of them with me. Thanks, Mj, for reminding me.

 

Back to taxes...

Rose over at Harvest Time (http://harvesttime.cc/), who I met a few years ago as I was exploring Sabbath Economics with Ched Myers, sent out their recent newsletter, and the following poem was in it. I think it's just lovely and fits so well with the dreary day it is today:

 

DIE BEFORE YOU DIE
Rabia

Ironic, but one of the most intimate acts
of our body is
death.

So beautiful appeared my death -- knowing who
then I would kiss,
I died a thousand times before I died.

"Die before you die," said the Prophet
Muhammad.

Have wings that feared ever
touched the Sun?

I was born when all I once
feared -- I could
love

 

 

The conference on torture at Guilford College  put on by QUIT, the Quaker Initiative to End Torture, is going along well and it looks like we will have enough folks for a full conference. Two months to go and we have 40 of the 100 people we need. We currently have raised $10,000 and that ought to be enough to at least not go into the red. As the treasurer and webmaster it is a relief to see it becoming viable. If you're curious, you can view the web site  at http://quit-torture-now.org. Check it out.

 

Originally John Calvi, a good friend and the convenor, asked if I would help with it. I couldn't imagine why he wanted my help with all the Quakes that he knows around the USA. In any event I said yes to this a year and a half ago. Seems like just yesterday. Over the last year and a half the news about American sponsored torture is becoming more and more prevalent. Just this last week came news that the CIA is hiring private firms to jet people to private prisons and countires where torture can be openly practiced, though we practice it ourselves at Guantanemo Bay. They won't even let the Red Cross in to the concentration camp there to interview prisoners, and Amnesty International has verified cases of American torture. While some of you may blanch at my calling Gitmo a concentration camp, that's what Amnesty International has called it. By any definition of the words, it fits. People held without bail or warrant, in secret, with no outside oversight or date of release, made to go without sleep and with psychological and physical torture.

 

It's so hard to believe I now am a citizen of a country that allows this to happen, and that the President can do what he damn well pleases without respect to the law, international agreements we've signed, or the Constitution. When are we going to hold these men in power accountable for war crimes? Dub-a-you believes that anything he does is okay, as long as we're frightened enough to give him that power. As I said the other day, it really is all about fear!

 

As I wrote the other day, it's time to quit being afraid and demand accountability from those who would rule through fear and intimidation!

 

Okay, okay...time to get off my soap box!

 

Rain coming in today again. Two classes to teach today, then a meeting, then home for the weekend and tax time. I hope you all have a great weekend and lots of time to relax, enjoy, kick back, and spend time with the flowers.

Grading is done, everything is organized, time now to push to finish the taxes this weekend. God I hate it! Why don't we just go to a flat tax. Lower and middle income folks would pay less, upper income folks would pay their fair share. Instead folks either need to pay two or three hundred dollars to have them done, or spend hours doing them themselves. Why not a national sales tax of 10%. 10% of every financial transaction would go to the feds, no matter how small or large. No deductions. No fuss. Lower income folks who make below a certain amount could apply for refunds (earned income credit). Everyone else...tough. Pay as you go with no Tax Day!

 

It seems so simple and of course impossible to get while the Jackasses and Elephants are in power. We need a new party. We could call it the American Party. Our slogan, "Vote American!"  Other possible slogans and buttons:

 

"I'm an American, are you?"

"Americans for Peace and Justice"

"American's are for Flat Taxes"

 

Can you think of one?

Wanna join?

 

It's a sure winner....

 

Joe

 

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking this last year about what is essential in life. Shar's death was part of what pushed me into thinking about essentials, but even before her death I was concerned with what I saw as a movement in Quakerism towards a religious system that was nitpicking, soul-numbing, and heart-stopping. It seems to be a prevalent attitude these days in lots of places in my life, even in my life as a Friend. Indeed, it pops up in lots of things on radio, tv, and in the general culture in the US today. Practically all my friends lead lives "of quiet desparation." Martin Luther King, Jr., said that we can not escape being part of our culture and we live in a desparate culture!

 

I think it's due to a general fear that permiates our society, fostered by Washington and Dub-a-you. We clutch life tightly these days for fear that we will lose everything. Listen to the rhetoric of those who oppose immigration reform. Listen to how we view immigrants, even immigrants who've gone through the god-awful immigration system. We're afraid oil prices will continue to rise, stock prices will fall, we'll lose our jobs, etc.

 

I think life is supposed to be joyful, even when it's hard and difficult. At the least we shouldn't be frightened all the time. Yet those in power, for their own purposes, have conspired to make us fearful. Ever since 9/11 they have fostered that fear. Nurished it, cultivated it for their own ends. We are much more controlable when we are frightened. We are more malleable when we're afraid to risk joy. I'm thinking about getting a tee-shirt made that says, "Risk Joy!"

 

It isn't easy to risk finding joy in life.  If MLK is right, we can't totally escape our culture, but we can confront it in ourselves and others. Lot's of things will conspire against it. Your friends will think you're crazy. You'll fail often and have to pick yourself up and risk once again. But I don't think I want to live life the way I and most of my friends have been living it. I want to boot Dub-a-you and all his friends out of office and say, "I'm joyful as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" (Did anyone else love "Network"?) Go peddle your fear somewhere else! Dub-a-you and his friends should get together on some Texas ranch, build a high wall around their compoound, and be fearful together that someone might scale the walls, but don't bother me with your fear. I won't participate anymore, or at least I'll try not to participate.

 

Shar and AIDS taught me that life is short. My soon-to-arrive granddaughter is teaching me (already!) that life is precious. I don't want her to come into a world ruled by the frightened and those who can not live boldly. We're not supposed to get out of life alive, but so many act and live as if they could! I want to live my life so that at the end I am used up! I want to cross the threshhold at the end knowing that I gave it everything I had, that I tried to live life with as little fear as I could hold.

 

Monster, bless his dog heart, lives life that way. He runs full speed after rabbits, he jumps up and down when I get home, he doesn't daintily eat his food, he gulps it down. Dogs know instinctively that life is to be lived, and even when he's frightened every fiber of his being is focused on what's frightening him, poised to fight or flight but hardly a cower until he knows he's beaten. Sonia and I were talking on the phone the other night comparing Corgi craziness. I want to be crazy like my dog. Crazy and unafraid!

 

I just know I buried that bone somewhere! No where did I put that bone?

 

 

 

Spent all day Saturday sitting in the Executive Committee of the American Friends Service Committee, then all day Sunday at Orange Grove Monthly Meeting. Sunday was Monthly Meeting for Worship on the Occasion of Business, which I clerk as Clerk of Meeting. Yesterday I spent all day cleaning and getting ready to do my taxes this week. UGH. All business this weekend. And this week I have class projects to grade and to finish my taxes.

 

Needless to say, I've been thinking longingly about Hawai'i and Iowa, wishing I could hop a plane and spend a week in either place again. How can this be? I just got back from Hawai'i!

 

Also, haven't had any chance at all to work on the cartoons, though I have doodled my way through some meetings and I spent some time doodling while watching tv last night.

 

Oh, well. You know what they say. No rest for the wicked!

 

 

Yesterday morning, before I got into the shower, I heard Monster jump down from the bed and whelp. Next thing I know he showed up at the door with his right front leg up in the air, much as he does when we go hiking and he gets a burr in his paw. "Fix it Dad!" If someone asked me to put a picture to the word "trust" it would have to be that picture. Complete and utter trust that I could do something to help. Is there anywhere else in my life I can find such trust? Implicit. Complete. Without doubt.

 

I remember when Jaemon was tiny, maybe a year and a half old, hearing him throw up in his crib. He and I were living in Pamel Courst, married student housing. When I walked into his room he was covered, as was his bed...and there was that look. "Fix it Dad!" There was, of course, short of cleaning him and the crib, not much I could do. He was sick. He needed a doctor. I don't remember now what the doctor said he had, but he continued to throw up over the course of that day, with me trying to get him to drink as much fluids as possible so he didn't become dehydrated. But there wasn't anything I could do that I hadn't already done about his throwing up. And so began the slow process of realizing your Dad can't fix everything! By the time he was fourteen he was sure I could fix nothing! One of the first signs of a child's maturity is the realization that it's somewhere between the two extremes. There are some things as a parent you can fix, and somethings you can't, and some you can only screw up!

 

Monster still believes I can make it better. I took a look at his paw. No obvious signs of fracture. Years ago, over the course of a summer, I got trained as a massage therapist. Actually had a sports massage office for a while and was licensed as a therapist. Lots of massages for fellow runners before and after races, especially marathons.

 

So I began to massage Monster's leg. No yelping or pulling back. A hot spot at the top and behind the front of the leg. So I spent a half hour just massaging and trying to work out what appeared to be a minor sprain, but I couldn't be sure. By the time I left the house he had stopped limping, but  I was really concerned about him still. Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach late, so yesterday I thought about the boy all day. When I got home he jumped up on me and things appear to have worked themself out. This morning he got off the bed easily without a problem.

 

I was still Monster's guy who could fix it! Of course he doesn't realize that he's the dog who can fix many things for me. If I'm lonely or tired or upset, just having him jump into my lap and ask for love takes most problems away. He's my best buddy!

 

 

I am tired of publisher's reps. We are choosing a new statistics book this semester, and I chair the committee charged with choosing the new book. Since we have over 1000 students per semester take statistics, at $120 per new book, it's quite a sale for any publisher. Unfortunately this semester these reps have become especially vitriolic, lying and dishing dirt about each other. And to top it all off they are bugging everyone on the committee. What part of sales technique did they not learn? You don't antagonize the folks you are trying to sell to, and today I checked with every committee person and each told me how fed up they are with these folks. They barge in without appointments during office hours meant for students. They call o nthe phone trying to sell their book. They are generally making a nusance of themselves. Tomorrow we will get together and I am considering telling them all to go to hell and choosing a textbook written by one of our own and in draft form. Students can buy the draft for $15, so students would love it. Now we just need to see if others on the committee will go along!

 

For a long time I have thought about the GNU license on the web, and thought that it would be great if I could write a book and make it freely available on the web. If we did that a few times, textbook prices would start to come down! Publishers would figure out the huge profits they make on each book will dwindle, and perhaps we can actually cut down on profits instead of trees! What a concept! If it were done in Wikepedia style, other professors could add what they needed and it would be a collaboration of anyone with knowledge of the subjects. That means it would also contain current disagreements about methods and procedures, not a bad thiing, I think. In any event, there's got to be a better system!

 

Joe

 

Well, I did nothing at all this weekend. One of those weekends where I put on all those dvd's I've been meaning to see, the one's with no redeeming social values. The movies that got two thumbs down. The ones that came out in dvd two weeks after being released. But also some old and new classics. Here's the list:

 

Fantastic Four

Casablanca

Gravitation -- vol 1

Galaxy Quest

Dream on Silly Dreamer

 

The last was the best, being an account of how Disney Studios was sold out. A rich heritage of animation bargined away for greed and avarice. Ah well. At least there still is good animation being made these days, mostly in Eastern Europe!

 

Back to work day....

 

First, let me say that Elaine has give you and the family a wonderful gift. She has been very, very courageous with you all and even more courage will be demanded of her. There are difficult and painful times ahead for her, but there will also be times of incredible joy as she discovers and births herself. And it will be like a birth. Painful and joyful, mostly for her, though perhaps you as her family can participate in the pain and the joy of this birthing process.

Do not underestimate how difficult this will be for you and your family! Gender is the first thing we notice about folks. We can forget their names, their faces, and lots of other things. But we can immediately recall whether or not they are a man or woman. Those folks who appear to us as neither often provoke our most violent attacks. The process of recognizing Elaine's new gender will be difficult, but keep in mind that inside her she has often felt you not relating to the real her. Her perception of her own gender has been very different from your perception of her gender. She naturally sees herself as a woman, while you have become accustomed to relating to her in a very different way. It will take time to see her as she sees herself. I know at first it will be difficult not to see her as a man who has become a woman, but you will have made real progress in changing yourself when you can genuinely see her as she sees herself. Even if you never get to the point where you can see her as she sees herself, out of respect for her you should make the attempt. Let her help you make a genuine effort with this.

I don't get the sense from your email that you feel comfortable asking Elaine many of the questions you wrote me about. Yet that, I think, is the place to go for answers. She won't have all of them. As much as Elaine has thought of this process, she enters a wonderful and strange new territory. The place she journeys to is real. She knows that. But the journey itself will be strange and there are not lots of role models of a hero like she is. As she moves closer to who she really is she is moving out to the frontier of human sexuality and gender. She will need companions along the way, especially her family. Please ask Elaine the questions you have asked me here. I will give you some of the answers I have heard from my students who have made the transition, but for each person it is different and Elaine will know some of the answers that fit for her.

Using the correct pronouns will be important, but since this is a birthing process it will take each person a different amount of time to make the necessary changes. Some will move to it quickly. Most will slip into the old pronouns occasionally. If Elaine senses that it's a slip and that a person has good intentions to try harder, she will easily forgive. Those who make no attempts to change will be practicing a form of violence against Elaine, and they may find themselves cut off as she needs to focus on herself through this difficult process. As she has more energy available for others, she can extend more to them. But for now she should cut off those who would diminish the energy required to make this change. I can't emphasize enough to you how difficult this change will be and how much support she will need. She doesn't need anyone around her taking energy away from doing this birthing well. Also, don't prejudge your family. Some, who you would think would easily be supportive, will surprise you and be the least supportive, while others will grow beyond any measure you could have conceived. Also know that you will find ugliness coming out of yourself. When it does, forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness. It will go towards building a real relationship. It will be hard on everyone's part to accept the fact that up until now the relationship has not been real. It may have been warm. It may have been loving. But it has not been real. You are being that gift now to make it real, though it will feel very unreal because you have for so long accepted what is unreal as real.

Reading and watching movies about the subject will help you, but not as much as talking with Elaine. If she is like most of my students she will joyfully answer your questions, especially if she senses that you genuinely want to be supportive and are asking her how best to support her. Most of my transgender students shed tears of joy to me when they talk of those who are supportive. There aren't many. That's why I say she has given you a gift, a chance to show how much you love her and an opportunity to be real with her. But books and movies do help in giving each of you something to talk about with her, a way to approach the topic so that it's not so personal, giving you a little distance yet knowing that you will attempt to move towards the personal with her in dialogue around these books and movies. I loved Transamerica. See it with her if you can. If you can't see it by yourself. It will raise questions. Ask her those questions. She will become tired sometimes of answering your questions. Many of my transgender students get tired of having to educate their families. They get bitchy about it. But mostly they enjoy the openness and talk, if it is on a real level. When Elaine gets tired of answering your questions remind her that you genuinely want a closer relationship with her now that she has shown you who she really is.

A book I particularly enjoyed is called Trans-sister Radio, by Chris Bohjalian. It sits on the bookshelf of my favorite books. It's an easy read, but filled with the kinds of questions you will have and it gives some sense of the process, not only for the transgender person, but also the family. If you can't find it I will bring it to our meeting in June. Let me know.

Perhaps I have gone on too long here. I really think you should ask Elaine all these things and more. Open your heart up to her and she will open hers to you. Consider that you are on a new adventure together, an adventure where the relationship will become more real than it's ever been, for you both. While she has given this gift to you, your gift of acceptance will be as great a gift back. It will not be easily given. It may not be easily accepted. I will keep you all in my prayers, as you have been when I tried to think of how to respond to you. If it feels necessary and right, share this email with Elaine as a starting point for the dialogue. You may also share it with anyone else. My transgender and gay students have brought much joy into my life. Let Elaine bring joy into yours!

In Friendship,

Joe

.....

I thought this was relevant to the blog, since I am filled with the thoughts of the birth of Jeannalise. This struck me as another kind of birth, with as much pain and joy, filling me with the same awe and love. When I was talking to a friend later, she reminded me of a book by a therapist Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley called

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals

My trannie friends tell me it's wonderful and have given it to their families. This book is not very technical and draws on Mildred Brown's many years of counseling trans people.

Hugs

Joe